February is full of hearts, flowers, and conversations about love. Everywhere you look, there are reminders of what love is supposed to look like. But for many of us, love hasn’t always felt simple—or safe.
For a long time, I believed love required endurance. I thought loving someone meant staying quiet, trying harder, and pushing through discomfort. I believed love was proven by how much I was willing to tolerate. But looking back, I realize a lot of what I thought was “love” left me anxious, confused, and constantly questioning myself.
So I’ve been relearning love.
And honestly, it’s been slower and more intentional than I expected.
One of the hardest parts of healing has been unlearning false definitions of love—especially the ones that sounded convincing at the time. The kind that asked me to endure fear and call it commitment. The kind that blurred the line between devotion and self-abandonment.
Relearning What Love Is—and What It Isn’t
As I’ve been healing, I’ve had to slowly relearn what love actually looks like. Not the version shaped by fear or survival—but the kind rooted in God’s character.
Love is not:
- Fear or intimidation
- Control disguised as concern
- Walking on eggshells
- Confusion or constant self-doubt
- Pain explained away as passion
- Something you have to earn by shrinking yourself
Love is:
- Patient and kind (1 Corinthians 13:4)
- Safe enough to rest in
- Honest, not confusing
- Steady, not chaotic
- Freeing, not restrictive
- Grounded in peace, not fear
Scripture has gently been reshaping my understanding of love.
“Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God.”
— 1 John 4:7
That verse changes everything for me. If love comes from God, then love should reflect His character. And God is not manipulative. He is not confusing. He is not cruel.
“Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.”
— 1 John 4:8
If God is love, then anything that contradicts His nature can’t truly be love—no matter how often we were told it was.
For a long time, fear was a constant companion in what I believed was love. Fear of saying the wrong thing. Fear of upsetting someone. Fear of being abandoned. I thought fear was just the price you paid for loving deeply.
But Scripture tells a very different story.
“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear.”
— 1 John 4:18
Love and fear are not meant to coexist. If fear is the defining emotion, something is off. God’s love doesn’t keep us anxious or on edge—it brings peace, safety, and rest.
In the next verse, we’re reminded where love truly begins:
“We love because He first loved us.”
— 1 John 4:19
Love doesn’t start with us proving our worth or earning affection. It starts with being loved—fully, freely, and without conditions. God’s love becomes the foundation from which we learn how to love others and ourselves.
I’m still relearning what love looks like. I’m learning that love can be calm instead of chaotic. Steady instead of unpredictable. Safe instead of confusing. Real love doesn’t cost me my peace or require me to shrink myself to keep it.
And I’m learning that God’s love is the safest place to start.
If love comes from Him, then His love becomes the standard—not our past experiences, not what we were taught to accept, and not what hurt us.
If you’ve ever questioned whether what you experienced was really love, you’re not alone. Relearning love takes time. It takes grace. And it takes gentleness with yourself.
But love—real love—does not harm.
It does not confuse.
And it does not ask you to live in fear.
I’m still learning that. And maybe the work of healing is, in part, learning it together.
